Power Rankings: Week 5

Power Rankings: Week 5

Week 5 Power Rankings apologize for not being there in Week 4. There were some great story lines, including the Tomlin Shape-Ups handing EO his third straight loss, the Champ handing Big Vlad his first loss, and the Softer Knocks scoring 156 points as a reminder not to sleep on Joe. Lots has happened since then, though, so here are the newest, updated rankings, compiled by a committee of me…


1) Vladimir Ducasse – That’s right, it’s still Danny atop the rankings. Despite back-to-back losses to the Champ and the surging RI Bulldogs, Danny’s squad still has the second most points, and at 2-2, he is still in the thick of the playoff race. And of course, Ray Rice only has to play the Steelers one more time, so he should improve over last week (when he played them the first time) and the week before (when he was worried about playing them).
2) #4 Great Teammate – EO got his first W, and now finds himself within striking distance of the playoff picture. Some staggering numbers: He has the league lead in points by more than 30, and yet his three defenses continue to give up points at an alarming rate, leading the league in points given up by more than 60 over the next-most-unlucky team. His squad looks to have responded to some aggressive, O’Reilly style punishment he dished out after the 0-3 start.
3) Dream Shake – The Dream Shake is sitting pretty (3-1) in first place after four weeks thanks to balanced leadership from Calvin Johnson, Frank Gore, and some guy named Christopher Ivory, who I have never heard of. Will L is looking to capture this year’s Most Improved Player Award.
4) G-MEN – Craig and Scott just keep on rolling, with three wins in a row after losing Week 1. They face the RI Bulldogs in the week’s ***MATCHUP OF THE WEEK***, hoping to move to 4-1 on the strength of the coolest QB in the league (A-Rodgers), a sick RB tandem in AP and Jahvid Best, and a new X-Factor in Marshawn Lynch after his trade to Seattle.
5) Worilds Greatest – Please, please, no one sleep on the Worilds Greatest. This squad is sitting right where they want to at 2-2 after four weeks. Team MVP tandem Peyton Manning and Austin Collie look to lead the team again in a battle of 2-2 heavyweights (against Know-Shon), while the Steeler Superstars Mendenhall and Wallace take this week to rest.
6) RI Bulldogs – The Bulldogs (3-1) only have 405 total points, good for ninth in the league, but can’t be content with being ranked 6th, especially after three impressive wins in a row. They will have a chance to make a big jump, though, as they face off with another top team, the G-MEN, in the primetime showdown of Week 5.
7) Softer Knocks – Talk about no respect! The Knocks sit at 3-1, with Team MVP Daren McFadden leading Joe’s gritty squadron. This week’s Matchup with the Truth will be a big test for the Knocks.
8) Know-Shon? – Will G’s team has been tough to figure this season. Kyle Orton and Zach Miller led the way over Tomlin;s Shape-ups in Week 4, but didn’t get any help from Andre Johnson, and only 5 points from Chris. An under-the-radar showdown with the Worilds Greatest will be an opportunity for the Knowshons to make a move up.
9) Kiss the Baby – What’s going on with the Kiss the Babies? Solid production throughout the lineup, but no superstars find the defending Champ at 2-2, with a paltry 360 points total (third worst in the league).
10) Beef Brisket – As we all know, Timmy had a tough Week 4. Lost by 1 to the Softer Knocks. Lost Michael Vick the week before Tom Brady’s bye. The Bills lost. Hopefully Santonio Holmes comes back to lead the team over Dream Shake, otherwise the Briscottes risk falling to 2-3.
11) Tomlin’s Shape-Ups – At one point, the Shape-Ups were the unquestioned cellar-dwellers of the power rankings, but no more! Like their team leader, LaDainian Tomlinson, the Shape-Ups have bounced back and look to keep moving up the rankings on the strength of savvy pickups like Peyton Hillis. A Camp Dudley showdown with the Champ this weekend could be a make or break one for this upstart bunch.
12) Football Jukes – It looks like Jukes is angling for draft position in next year’s draft. Sam Bradford has been a pleasant surprise, but Jukes’ hyphenated trio of Maurice Jones-Drew, Mike Sims-Walker and Darrius Heyward-Bey aren’t getting the job done. Facing Big Vlad this, the Jukes are in danger of falling to 0-5.